Runa Leto

Looks like I dreamt about you again. This has become a rarity and one that I have come to terms with not missing. Yet two nights ago there you were, real as always. 4D, a true fabrication of the person I knew 3 years ago. How strange? Wouldn't you think I would've forgotten all of those minute details about you by now? The crinkles in your nose, the smirk you pull when you know I'm wrong but convinced I'm right. The soft, attentive tone of voice you use when you tell me you love me. *usED, tOLD, loveD Sometimes I look out of my window, see your block of flats and wonder what you're up to. What music are you loving? Hows college going? How's your sister? Questions I am now somewhat content with never knowing the answers to- yet I still look for you when I walk along streets you too roam, when I ride buses you also present yourself on-but you're never there. Funny isn't it? I don't think I actually know what I'd do if I were to see you ...

looks like I'm back. although this blog has been painfully abandoned for 2 years, oddly i haven't stopped thinking about it. there have been numerous occasions where i've thought "i need to write this down" but felt as though i haven't had the place to- silly me. as an extremely brief update on my life, mind and heart are still broken but slowly and surely being fused back together, medication is still a lifeline but it's transitioning from spring to summer soon. And although my will to live dwindles, the contradictory feeling to grow and live gains strength too.

if ever you are angry, if ever you are sad,  if ever you are anxious, if ever you are lonely,  if ever you are happy, if ever you are worried, if ever you are scared, if ever you are regretful: if ever there is anything you doubt, do not doubt my love for you. if I paint all the walls black. If I torment the sea.  if I come at you with buckets of ice. If I pull your flat apart with each brick.  if I drain your body of every ounce of energy. then please, leave me. but do not doubt my love for you. you can give my gifts to my enemies.  you can print my secrets into the newspapers. you can contaminate my words with poison. you can drown my hopes in the tears you have shed at my hand.  you can pluck my dreams from my heart and admire the ashes in the wind. but whatever you do,  do not doubt my love for you. with every month, with every week, with every day, with every hour, with every minute, with every ...

do you know I think of you? i think of you when the lightening screams for me to stop and the paint peels off my walls, I try too hard. i think of you when the rain seeps in through the broken windows and the wildfire hurricane shakes my bones. i think of you when I walk on glass, cutting my feet on shards of hope that only you can repair. do you think of me? when the spring sun rises and the winter moon falls, when all the doors are slammed, the roof caves in and you feel so alone. when the roads are clear, am I your get-away vehicle, am I the driver? when you’re sat in silence, a mask covering the bottom half of your face, do your eyes tell the truth, do you miss me? do you know I dream of you? because oh I do, I dream. i dream that you are with me always, hand in hand, arm in arm, limb in limb-we are inseparable. and I dream that I am without you. echoes of messages, an empty space on the bed, false replies, allegations- it is insufferable....

I used to have someone like that. Someone I could share things with no matter how trivial or offensive or insane they were. I used to have someone I could trust with anything, any dark twisted thought, and controversial opinion. I loved them. I used to have someone I could spend a weekend with, talking for hours and not talking for hours after that. I used to have someone who I never got sick of, who never got sick of me. I used to have someone who I could shamelessly spam, an angry evening rant, a philosophical afternoon ponder, an early morning hello. They loved me. I used to have someone that I could plan future events with, birthdays, anniversaries, trips around the world. I used to have someone who I knew all about, who knew all about me from favourite colour to distant second cousin. I used to have the ultimate best friend. I fell in love with them. And they loved me. Now I have nobody. And the crater they left is smouldering like a bonfire, my mind is in automatic, there...

Every breath I take feels like a well used harpsichord blowing it's last, strained note. My thoughts of you come in waves, bashing against the forefront of my consciousness and seeping back into the depths of my mind. I smell your scent on other people, a psychosomatic call for your presence. The list of symptoms grows as time frays the severed, battered, bloodstained ribbon I tied from my heart to yours.

Don't you think it's strange how we seem to interchange "always" to mean "regardless of anything else". "Always" is a synonym for "forever", it means something will be lasting, it will be there constantly for the foreseeable future. "Always" doesn't mean "anything", "everything" or "whatever the circumstances". Perhaps for some people it does. When Whitney sang "I will always love you" she probably did mean it in a "regardless of the circumstances, my love will be felt towards you" sort of way- but is that really what always is? Call me a cynic, a pessimist, even an idiot- but I don't see how always can be interchangeable for such things as "regardless of the circumstances". "I'll always be there for you." Is a well used statement and whilst it has the best of the recipients interests at heart (or I should at least hope so) it's an ex...